Top Ten Things Barack Obama Must Do To Regain The Progressive Black Vote

by Demetrius D. Walker

  1. Get out of Libya.  C’mon son… Going to Libya was a George Bush move.  We’re supposedly over there to protect their citizens from the big, bad, boogeyman that is Qaddafi (Gadhafi, Khaddafi, etc. depending on the media’s mood today).  Before Barack and the Frenchies started dropping million dollar bombs, Libyans enjoyed a pretty damn high standard of living. I mean free education, housing, healthcare, access to clean drinking water, a 78% literacy rate, and life expectancy of 70.2 years doesn’t sound too bad.  On the real, it sounds a lot better than Harlem, Compton, and Houston’s 3rd Ward to me.  But let’s not forget that Libya boasts the largest oil economy on the African continent… Real slick B.O.
  2. Punch Herman Cain in the nose.  Black progressives may have a few issues with Obama, but there's no Negro more despised than Herman "Uncle Ruckus" Cain.  Son had the nerve to say cities have the right to tell Muslims they can't build mosques where they want?!   
  3. Get BET to stop playing Baby Boy every other night like it’s a got damn sitcom!  Honestly, progressive Black people try to avoid BET like the plague, but for real yo… this insanity has to cease.  Get Michelle a workout show or something.  I know some brothers that would tune in for that ;-)
  4. Bring the iPhone to Sprint.  Seriously, have you ever taken note of the Sprint Store demographics?  Negroes always outnumber others in line at Sprint.  We’re the only ones still loyal to this Godforsaken cell phone carrier.  Progressive Blacks covet new cell phones like Ray Ray covets Jordans.
  5. Apologize to Cornel West.  Brother West is that dude man.  He always keeps it real. You let that brother show his fro at 65 campaign events and then you started ignoring his calls?  Don’t front like you didn’t get his texts either Barry.  That’s straight up triflin’.
  6. Stop hanging out with Sharpton.  While we appreciate you subsidizing his Lap-Band procedure, there’s just something about the new, skinny, turkey necked Sharpton we don’t trust. 
  7. Make a real decision.  Playing referee between the tea sipping GOP (see what I did there) and the sex crazed Democratic party is corny.  We’re sick of all this “let’s sit down and talk, come to a consensus, kumbaya, peace party” BS.  You keep letting that dude Boner with his fluorescent ass ties play you like a chump.  Show that you have some balls… chocolate, salty balls that people can suck on if they don’t like your decision making. 
  8. Leave Afghanistan.  You already put the dezzy to bin Laden’s turban and gave him a cement shoe bath.  What more can be accomplished in this “War on Terror?”
  9. Acknowledge that Black people have it worse now than we have in decades.  We know you’re the president of the whole damn country, but do we not count as loyal supporters?  Wall Street had its needs met, the oil and gas industry is ballin, and Gays can now serve openly in the military.  What about your core constituency Barack?  The wealth gap has increased, along with dropout rates and unemployment. Nobody is hurting as bad as Black America.  Could you imagine what would happen to the GOP if they ignored their Christian base?  We’d have a whole bunch of Norways going down….
  10. Free Mumia.  So far Obama has pardoned 17 people during his whole presidency.  What were these people pardoned for you ask?  Slangin meth, stealing cable, distributing alligator hides, mutilating coins, and a bunch of other dumb s**t.  Worst of all, most of these people were convicted 20 years ago and have already served their weak ass sentences.  How about saving somebody that actually needs saving Barack?  If Mumia was freed it would be pretty tough for the Black intelligentsia to complain Obama was out of touch with the community.